Thursday, October 28, 2010

THE GAMUT

Know what you are looking for... are you more service oriented... looking for a servant or to be a servant or more of a sadomasochistic relationship?  Do you just want to wait on your Dom hand and foot and are devastated just knowing that you disappointed your Dom?  As a Dom do you want someone that if you give Your sub/slave a certain look you know they have learned their lesson?   Or do you want someone that would thrive on being chained, stark naked outside in the dirt and mud, eating out of a bowl - or are you willing to be subjected to that.  How about being chained in a dark room for days on end - not knowing what day of the week or month it is?  What about Your Dom (or anyone of their choosing) entering the room to beat you or take you sexually however and whenever They desire?  Yes - I know people in the life that cover the gamut described here.  There are subs/slaves that let Their Dom hang them from meat hooks in their skin.  KNOW what you desire and look for at least a reasonable match - or none of the parties will be happy.  This gets back to the safe, sane and consensual.  Are you willing to accept or do you want to give piercings, tattoos or branding?  How about castration or labia suturing?  Polyamorous, multiple partners or monogamous?  Make a list of things you love or at least think you would, things that you MIGHT consider - even if it scares you, and things that you would NEVER do BEFORE you start looking for a partner.  If you don't know these things I can pretty well guarantee that whoever you partner with will NOT work out and it will be a miserable relationship at best and leave you with a bad taste.  You need to arrive at a mutually acceptable list with any potential partner and this is where the contract enters in.  Most importantly KNOW who you are getting involved with.  I am NOT trying to scare you off, I just want you to be aware of what and who you are getting involved with.  I know a number of people on both sides that love the life and the people that truly are in the life and understand it are much more open and honest than people in the "vanilla" life.  There truly are some very awesome people in the world of BDSM - just do everything you can do to make sure you are compatible with any person/people that you get involved with.

ATTRIBUTES

Probably the most important attribute that anyone needs to have is a sense of humor - whether you are a Dom or a sub/slave.  Also, a Dom must have patience.  The worst thing to do in training Your sub/slave is lash out in anger.  There is a time and a place for punishment but if you respond in anger it can end up being abusive which tends to be counter productive to training.  The primary role of the Dom is to help make the sub/slave the best sub/slave they can be in service to their Dom.  This is done through teaching and training.   A sub/slave should trust and respect You - NOT fear you.  As far as sub/slave attributes, the second most important for them, after humor is a desire to please.  The primary role of a sub/slave is to bring pleasure to their Dom and that can be anything from not showing any disrespect in public to allowing them to flog you and take you sexually anytime They want anywhere They want, just for Their own pleasure - and everything in between.  That is another reason to take time to find the right partner(s).  This life runs the gamut for what people are looking for and finding someone you mesh with both in chemistry and wants/desires.

SAFE, SANE AND CONSENSUAL

It's hard to believe that I even need to include this but I know I better.

SAFE - If you are a sub/slave it is your responsibility to keep yourself safe during the "dating" process.  After you have decided that you can trust and respect your prospective Dom and you accept each other then it is the Dom's job to continue to keep you safe.  If you are participating in edge play (ANYTHING that if done wrong could place the sub/slave (or even the Dom) in the hospital, morgue OR even jail) make sure that you receive proper training from someone experienced in the activity.  Also, if you have ANY STD's - be upfront about it.  I believe it's illegal NOT to disclose that and it is certainly unethical.  My wife and I know a sub that has an STD that W/we have had scene's with - nothing sexual (although W/we have NOT ruled that out) but W/we've had fun each time.  Ultimately it is your responsibility to keep yourself safe... know who you are getting involved with.

SANE - Do not get involved with anyone who has a death wish or a murderer.  See the comments above about edge play.  Find someone with reasonably similar interest to yours is you are a service oriented sub/slave for example don't get involved with a sadist - you will both be miserable.


CONSENSUAL - All parties involved MUST consent... that includes non-participants.  If you are in public, use common sense so as not to embarrass observers - use common sense.  If you are at the mall it probably is inappropriate to have your sub/slave on a leash, for example.  On the other hand if you are at an art museum in the middle of the week with virtually no one in the building to have a quickie in a small side gallery might be just fine.

I have been contacted by a number of "subs/slaves" from foreign countries ready to jump on a plane and come running to Me.  I respectfully refuse - this is not safe, sane or consensual - first of all, chances are they are under duress and desperate so they are not thinking clearly and rationally.  As such they are not able to make rational decisions.  Secondly, as I do not know anything about them - I have NO clue whether things would work out.

If someone is not of sound mind, they may be willing to agree to a relationship - that is NOT the same as consensual and you have no business taking them on.

You can not possibly know if things are safe, sane and consensual until you get to know as much as possible about a potential partner and that takes time.  You must trust and respect any prospective partner and that takes time to develop.  Please do not rush into any relationship.  You are ultimately responsible for your physical and mental well being - if you make a rash decisions chances are it will come back and bite you.  BE VERY CAREFUL with who you connect with.  There are some wonderful Doms, subs and slaves out there but there are also devious, evil people as well - KNOW who you are getting together with - your life may literally depend on it.

Minors are unable to legally consent so they should be off limits.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

FIRST MEETING

Take from this whatever is appropriate for your situation.  These are reasonable steps from connecting online.  If you meet someone at a munch (a gathering of people involved in BDSM - on a regular basis usually once a month - and often in a public venue,  a great way to meet people and learn about the life - usually - but like everything else these can be bad experiences - just a caveat) it's a bit different, but still use common sense to keep you safe.  BTW - this is an excellent way to meet others and a potential Dom/sub/slave.

HINT HINT HINT - IT NEVER HURTS TO ASK FOR REFERENCES!!!! - just a thought.

If you post a profile on a BDSM on-line dating site be real, honest and yourself but use discretion and do NOT put any direct personal contact information on your profile.  If you do have any STD's please be up front about that as well - to not disclose that I believe is illegal and it is certainly unethical - any perspective partner has the right to make an informed decision and that could certainly effect the decision - better to find out right away if that is a deal breaker rather than invest valuable time only to find out later that it is a relationship killer.  If someone contacts you from your profile check out their profile before responding to make sure that your interests are reasonably compatible.  If you see anything that stands out as a major discrepancy you are better off moving on.  If you wish, you can send them a pleasant e-mail stating that while you are grateful for the interest you just don't feel that you are compatible.  If the profile totally terrifies you - you are under NO obligation to respond.  Chances are if you are that incompatible they are probably just writing to everyone anyhow (that or looking to put notches on their belt).  A number of so called Dom's are just guys looking for easy sex and really has no interest in the life per se - I call them Dom Juanabee's from Don Juan.  If you think you might be compatible chat online via e-mails for awhile and then after awhile - when YOU feel comfortable take it to the next level - an online chat then if you still feel comfortable switch to phone calls.  After a number of phone calls if you still feel comfortable then you can agree to meet at a PUBLIC VENUE for coffee or lunch.  BTW - if at ANY time something doesn't feel/seem right  - go with your gut feeling and move on.  Before you meet - and I don't care if you are a Dom or a sub/slave - arrange a safe call.  Tell a friend or family member that you are meeting someone for the first time that you met online - NO you don't have to give out every little detail.  Just inform them where you are going to be and approximately how long you are going to be there.  If they don't hear from you by a certain time - have them call the police and let them know what is going on.  Just remember to make the call.  If the chemistry seems to be there My recommendation is to make another date... again at a public venue so that they don't know where you live until you are REALLY comfortable.  After you become comfortable with the other person you can agree to scene with them a few times and let the relationship go from there.  This life is based on trust and respect and that takes time to build.  Also, remember the safe, sane and consensual aspect - there are users and abusers out there and only you can keep yourself safe.  You can NEVER be 100% sure of anything but you can minimize your risk.

RED FLAGS

There are some red flags... depending on what you are looking for.  Again if a sub/slave is looking to meet their demise you might be able and willing to give them what they want but you probably won't be able to give them what they need.  If you don't understand the difference, you have NO business being with them.  This may be consensual but it is certainly NOT safe OR sane.  If someone, that you don't believe you can trust, says they just wants to get together with you to scene or have sex with you... run the other way.  Again, this is not safe or sane.  If you can trust them but don't see that you could have an ongoing relationship with them - it MIGHT be okay to "play" but make sure that all parties involved are aware of the situation.  Being open and honest is ALWAYS the best.  If the first contact you have with a "Dom" is an e-mail saying - "on your knees bitch and worship Me."  Delete it and DO NOT bother to respond.  They aren't worth wasting your time on.  There are plenty of unattached Doms as well as subs/slaves - look for someone with at least reasonably similar interests to yours.  If you are more service oriented and your potential partner is more pain oriented (or vice versa) you eventually will both be miserable - move on.  Also, if someone that you just met online insists on meeting you NOW or demands your phone number I strongly suggest you avoid ANY further contact.  I have met a number of wonderful people in time but I always chat with them for quite awhile on line before deciding to exchange phone numbers, talk a few times on the phone while continuing to chat online and then MAYBE decide to meet in person.  If they want you to pack up and move half way across the country (or if they are a sub asking for money so that they can relocate to you) within five minutes of contact RUN the other way.  Again neither of those options are reasonable and again certainly not safe or sane.  Yes, I have seen these situations occur both to Me and others.  If someone is ready to move in with you or have them move in with you within five minutes of your first communications - RUN.  Also, there are a number of foreign subs/slaves looking for a free trip to the United States - they may or may not be a sub/slave but there is also a very good chance that they are not.  NEVER SEND MONEY TO ANYBODY FOR ANY REASON!!!  If you decide that things might work out between the parties involved in the communications your best bet is to go get them if they need a way to get to you.  This life is based on trust and respect and that CANNOT in any way shape or form be decided in five minutes of online communications.  I don't know you from Adam (or in this case Eve) and how can I get to know you in just a few sentences online.  ANYBODY CAN BE ANYTHING online.  I insist on weeks to months of communications, especially if you are any substantial distance away... if you are within roughly an hour and things go well in the communications online AND PHONE then maybe three to four weeks... and then your first meeting must be in a public place - and if you don't have a safe call in place I would worry as well... (see My musing on "FIRST MEETING".  One other thing I tend to look for is that the person has a basic grasp of the English language and spelling.

If you do have an online profile on a BDSM site and someone contacts you from it - above all - look for clues that the person read your profile.  Any indications that they didn't take the time to read - please, STEER CLEAR of them.  If they can't take the time to read your profile - they probably are just contacting everyone - throw enough stuff against the wall and something will probably stick at some point... they are NOT what you need and probably not what you want either.  This could be anything, but especially if your interests don't mesh... that is usually the first thing I look for.

CONTRACTS

While some people don't believe in contracts in BDSM, I believe they are critical.  Each party to the contract then knows the expectations of the relationship.  In a court of law they are not worth the paper they are written on, as they would never hold up  - especially between a Dom and a slave, as slavery has been outlawed for some time now.  This is one place where trust and respect are critical, if you can't trust the person DO NOT agree to and/or sign the contract - that removes the safe, sane and consensual from the life in every way.  They should be for a specific period of time.  I believe that the first one should be for approximately one month.  That way if the parties to the contract find it just won't work out it's easy to get out of.  Also, anyone can fake it for a few days but a month is usually plenty of time for anything someone is trying to hide to expose itself.  However, that being said - it is NOT fair to anybody to fake who you are, especially in this life.  If you try to be something you are not you are hurting everyone and you will be miserable.  A contract should cover clothing (or lack thereof) expectations, financial arrangements, chores, hard limits, expectations - what each party is getting out of the relationship, other potential partners - will the sub/slave be loaned out to others to scene with and if so sexually, floggings or just what, whether the Dom will have, or be looking for others to scene with and again to what extent or is the relationship going to be strictly monogamous, whether the Dom is looking for additional sub's/slave's and if so what role will they have in the household.  If things go well with the first contract then another one can be drafted and tweaked prior to the termination of the first one.  The second contracts, I have seen run anywhere from three months to three years - I believe a year is a reasonably good time frame, but every relationship is different.  Usually the petitioner is the one who drafts the initial rough draft of the contract, laying out what they are looking for and want from the relationship - what they bring to the table and what they hope to get out of it as well as what the other person(s) will get out of the relationship.  Any material breach of the contract gives the harmed party the right to terminate the contract immediately - that does not mean they have to, just that they can.  Sometimes people make a mistake and go to far, but if you honestly believe that the relationship is working and that it was a mistake and feel that you can trust the person you MAY want to keep the contract intact.  However, that being said that does not remove that clause from the contract or make that clause null and void... if your partner breaches that clause again - GET OUT.  Also, if a Dom punishes their sub/slave for something that is NOT in the contract or refuses to tell their sub/slave what they are being punished for, I would get out... that crosses the line from punishment to abuse. 

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

PUNISHMENT/PLAY

Punishment is to be used for training.  If you are a sadist PLEASE find a pain slut to be your sub/slave.  A pain slut is a sub/slave who actually enjoys physical/emotional pain.  I have known subs/slaves that are disappointed or actually crushed if you give them a look of displeasure - they are very service oriented and devastated by a look and would be crushed and possibly emotionally destroyed by being flogged, whipped or even spanked.  Pain sluts on the other hand might see that as a reward and therefore a Dom would be better off giving them corner time or just ignore them for a period of time.  It is critical to know the mind set of your sub/slave to properly punish them.  If you are a sadistic Dom and have a pain slut for a sub/slave you can "beat" them for your pleasure and it will be a win-win situation.  I recently responded to a question from a Dom on a BDSM website that asked "if you tell a sub/slave that they are going to receive "X" number of lashings for something they did wrong and then stopped half way through - would that be wrong?"  My response was that if you know your sub/slave and you felt they had learned their lesson by that point AND YOU EXPLAINED THAT TO THEM that there would be nothing wrong with that and if you HONESTLY felt they had learned their lesson that it would be NO problem and in fact anything past that point could be consider abuse.

Also, as punishment the Dom must be creative.  If you take a child's favorite toy away from them every time they misbehave they will most likely find a new favorite toy.  This life can be a challenge on the part of both Dom's and sub's/slave's but I assure you it can be quite enjoyable if all parties are willing to work at it.  Anything worth having is worth working for.

THE GIFT OF SUBMISSION

The "Gift of Submission" is a misnomer.  Either you are a submissive (or slave) or you are not, therefore you are not giving that away.  You are giving you to another  The sub/slave/bottom is not giving the "Gift of Submission" - they are giving MUCH more... they are committing their life to their Dom.  That is the ultimate gift.  How can someone turn over virtually the entire control of their life to someone if they don't trust and respect them.  They are giving the gift of their own person.  That is something that a Dom MUST respect and appreciate.  The stronger the sub is, the more valuable the gift they are giving.  This is something worth working for and once received is worth working to keep.  The Dom, as well as the sub, MUST work at maintaining the respect of the their respective partner(s).  It requires continuous work on the part of everyone involved.

WHAT IS A DOM

 
Dom is short for Dominant.  A Dom (although on the surface it may not appear that way) should be caring and compassionate.  To be entrusted with control of another persons life they need to be in control of theirs.  The role of a Dom is to train the sub/slave to be the best that they can be.  The Dom is to stretch their sub/slave to the best of their limits.  Hard limits are just that hard limits... NOT to be breached.  A Dom must be trustworthy so they don't cross those hard lines and also if there is a safe word - they MUST respect it.  Ideally the Dom and perspective sub/slave should have very similar ideas as far as interests or the relationship probably will not work out.  As I have heard it put... when you are bound and gagged is NOT the time to realize there is a difference in expectations.  A Dom needs to be patient and not over react or punish their sub/slave when they are upset - it's too easy to cross the line from punishment to abuse if you are upset.

WHAT IS A SUB/SLAVE

Sub is short for submissive.  A sub or slave that is NOT your sub or slave deserves the same respect that you would show anyone else.  It takes a strong person to turn control of their life over to someone else and that takes trust.  Trust takes time to develop and therefore it is critical that you don't start ordering them around UNTIL they accept you as their Dom.  Obviously during a scene is one thing but when the scene is over so is your empowerment over the respective sub/slave.  A sub/slave deserves the ultimate of care.  Just like a car, if you don't change the oil, check the fluids, wash and wax it regularly it will brake down when you need it the most.  You wax, oil and polish your fine furniture.  If you have a hunting dog you need to work with it, care for it and spend time with it.  You need to do the same thing with a sub/slave - if you don't take care of it eventually it will break down.  You need to train your sub/slave as well and as such I believe that there needs to be a list of rules so that everyone is on the same page and knows the expectations.  Punishing a sub/slave for a broken rule that they didn't know existed is not punishment it is ABUSE.  A sub/slave must not only trust but also respect their Dom - both of which need to be earned... if Your sub/slave does not respect/trust you, you would both be better off going your separate ways.  A sub/slave should NEVER show disrespect for their Dom and if they can't trust you and don't respect you this is virtually impossible.  A sub/slave is a student that must be trained and molded and that takes time.  The difference between a sub and a slave has been an ongoing debate.  I am probably not going to be able to answer that here as there have been better Dominants than I fighting with this one but... basically the difference is the level of control they give up.  The stereotypical 1950's housewife in this day and age could be considered a sub.  A slave turns COMPLETE control of their life over to their Dominant.  This is to the point of what clothes they will (or won't) wear... could be complete nudity 24 hours a day 7 days a week.  When and WHERE they go to the bathroom.  What they will eat - OFTEN OUT OF A BOWL ON THE FLOOR.  Those are pretty much the extremes and I am not sure where the magic line is that divides them.  I believe that it is where the Dominant makes virtually all of the decisions for their respective submissive that they become a slave.  I also believe that a sub that has a death wish and advertises it accordingly needs services that a Dom can't (or shouldn't) provide.  To keep BDSM safe, sane and consensual all parties involved need to be safe, sane and consenting.  The role of the sub/slave is to cherish and show and bring honor to their Dom - therefore, again the sub/slave MUST trust and respect their Dom.


PROTOCOL


Every relationship is different just as in the "vanilla" world.  There are some basic guidelines that are (or should be) respected however.  Generally it is accepted that in writing Dom/Domme is capitalized and sub/slave is typed in lower case - basically as symbolism.  A sub/slave that is NOT your sub/slave should be treated with just as much respect as anybody else.  If they are not yours you have no right to touch them or order them around without explicit permission from their Dom (or themselves if they are unowned).  It is generally accepted that the petitioner draft the contract.

  1. The Needs of the sub/slave comes first.
  2. The Needs of the Dom.
  3. The Wants of the Dom.
  4. The Wants of the sub/slave. 

WHAT IS BDSM


BDSM is an acronym for Bondage/Discipline, Domination/Submission, Sadism/Masochism.  It can be as simple as tying your partner to the bed once in awhile and tormenting them with a feather to COMPLETE control of their life.  BDSM is SAFE, SANE AND CONSENSUAL... All parties involved must use judgement and common sense (although these days there is NOTHING common about common sense).  The last thing any self respecting Dom wants to do is send their sub/slave to the hospital or the morgue.  This is where the trust comes in - the sub/slave Must trust their Dom to keep them safe... if you don't know the Dom how can you trust them to have your best interests at heart.  I have heard that ten to fifteen percent of the population actively practices the life but almost any couple who have been in a relationship for any period of time has probably experimented with parts of the life... tying their partner to the bed (bondage), blindfolds (sensory deprivation), spanking (sadomasochism), etc.
 

 

WHAT BDSM IS NOT

 
It isn't an easy way for a so called Dom (I call them Dom Juanabe's after Don Juan) to get quick easy sex whenever they want it - although too many people are looking for exactly that.  If you are looking to put notches on your belt become a swinger.  In BDSM while sex is certainly part of it, it is more about the control aspect then the sex.
 

 

MUSINGS OF A DOM


I have been doing a lot of thinking about what BDSM is all about, ironically from chatting with some sub's that I know.  Quite a bit of this I have known for quite awhile and some of it I knew but never really thought about and some of it I realized (or I knew it but it just jelled) recently.  I used to use the terms Master and Dom interchangeably but recently decided to just go by Sir or Dom - I realized that I have a long ways to go to become a Master at any of this as it is an evolving life and the more I learn the more I realize I have to learn.  As such I will add to this periodically.