INFATUATION/DESPERATION

I hate to use these terms but it seems that anything addressing BDSM needs to point this out.  Dom's as well as subs/slaves, especially newbies, when they first discover that other people actually participate in their same interests get caught up and want to jump into a relationship so as to experience their wants and desires.  This is human nature, and there is nothing wrong with it.  The problem is, it clouds the thought process, and causes people do things they would NOT normally do.  People jump into a relationship with people that they either don't know or just barely know.  While this also happens in "vanilla" relationships it is critical to get to know your perspective partner in BDSM.  A Dom, especially an inexperienced one, or worse one who isn't truly a Dom or doesn't yet understand what it means to be a Dom, can do real physical and/or emotional damage to a sub/slave.  As a sub/slave there are situations where your LIFE is literally being placed at the hands of someone else.  Are you willing to do that with a total stranger or someone that you just barely know.  I have met some wonderful people on the internet, both those in BDSM as well as "vanilla".  That being said, I also use caution.  I will take WEEKS of daily chatting, followed by phone chats (while continuing to chat on line) before agreeing to meet anybody.  Then I insist on meeting at some public venue for coffee, tea, lunch or whatever.  That way the potential sub/slave feels safe as I do not know where they live and with people around nothing is going to happen then and there.  Also, as I stated in early postings, I have and insist that the sub/slave also have a safe call.  A friend or family member that knows that I am meeting someone and I will call them to let them know that I am okay within a reasonable amount of time.  Again, they don't need to know that the meeting has anything to do with BDSM.  You can just state that you are meeting someone that you met on line and have been chatting quite awhile and decided to meet.  Is this safe?  How safe is leaving a bar, when you have been drinking, and going home with someone you just met that night?  All I am saying is try to use as clear a mind as possible when meeting a potential BDSM partner.  Remember - anybody can pose to be anything on the internet.

CHILDREN AND BDSM

The BDSM life is between consenting parties.  Children, by definition, are not able to consent.  This goes for both participation AND knowing or seeing what is going on.  When people involved in BDSM are together whether for a scene or a full relationship they consent to be together.  Do not involve people who have not (or are unable to) consent to the activities.  You know your children better than anyone else, or at least I would certainly hope you do.  Therefore, you know, or should anyhow, know how much information/exposure they can handle.  I have heard of a situation, and this is strictly here say, where a "Dom" took on a slave AND her thirteen year old daughter.  He supposedly impregnated both of them and they gave birth fairly closely together, this is not only WRONG, it is illegal.  There was also a case where a couple that were out in public.  The "Dom" started participating in hum (humiliation) play.  There was another couple who are also in the life, and they were made uncomfortable by the situation and they KNEW what was going on.  You can only imagine if people who knew what was going on and were uncomfortable with the situation were going through, what were the people around them thinking (and there MIGHT have been children around).  PLEASE use discretion in your activities.

POLYAMORY

Before entering into a poly relationship think long and hard about it.  Between two people, there is one dynamic, and that is often more than a couple can handle.  If you are in a relationship and bring just one more person into the "family" you have gone from one dynamic to four dynamics A-B, B-C, A-C and A-B-C.  Bring another person in and it just multiplies geometrically A-B, A-C, A-D, B-C, B-D, C-D, A-B-C, A-B-D, A-C-D, B-C-D & A-B-C-D.  Often it is hard enough for a couple to get along and each additional person in the relationship just exacerbates any problems in the relationship.  Also, it is critical that the sub's/slave's all get along with one another so as to alleviate any potential jealousy.  In fact, while trust and respect in BDSM between the Dom/sub or Dom/slave relationship in a poly relationship, it is My opinion that the relationship between the sub's/slave's is even more critical... so if you are an insecure Dom you would be better off NOT entering into a poly relationship.  Actually, if you are an insecure Dom, you would be better off NOT getting involved with ANY sub/slave... let alone entering into a poly relationship.

AFTERCARE

While I have never met any, that I know of, I have heard that there are Dom's that do not believe in aftercare.  In My not so humble opinion, I believe that it is critical.  Following any intense session, a sub/slave needs to be held while they are coming down from sub space.  The physical contact provided by a firm, yet comfortable embrace is very reassuring.  A sub may experience there entire bodies quivering from time to time as there muscles relax and the endorphins flowing through their body subside.  The comfort of being held helps them both physically and I believe psychologically as well.  It also helps them know that the Dom cares about their well being.  It has been proven that people NEED to be held from time to time, and following an intense "beating" is the ultimate time for that.

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATIONS: THE BASIS FOR A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP

We have, in our lives, many types of relationships. There are personal, private, public and work relationships. Many are vanilla, some are BDSM, and others are kink or fetish related. Be it your partner, family, friends, boss, co-worker, acquaintance, Dominant, submissive, slave, etc., the key to the success of any relationship is good communications. So what are the components of good communication? I think there are several. 1) Effective communication requires the interaction of two or more parties. 2) One must be willing to hear. 3) Good communications are clear, concise, open and honest. 4) One must be willing to be objective or be able to see things from the others perspective. 5) If you don't understand something, it is imperative that you seek immediate clarification. Two Way Communications   Effective communication is a two way street, a combination of being the communicator and the recipient of the communication. One could argue that in some cases there is no need to have two way communications. For example, between boss and employee, parent and child, Dominant and submissive, one could say one way communication is good enough. In all situations, unless there has to be some acknowledgement, be it verbal, written, body language or whatever, from the person on the receiving end that the communication was understood. If this component is missing, then the communication was not effective. The onus to ensure that there is effective communication is with both parties. Excuses like s/he didn't listen to me or I didn't understand what s/he was saying are not acceptable. They are simply attempts to absolve yourself of any responsibility for the poor communication. Listening and Hearing Listening just isn't good enough. For when one actually hears, there is a sense of understanding or comprehension of what is said. Too many times, someone will say that they are listening to you but you know they are not hearing you. This is easy to test, if you are in doubt have them repeat back to you what you have said, or even better, have them explain it to you in their own words. Being Clear and Concise   This means that you don't cloud the issue with irrelevant information. How many of you have been told, just get to the point. I certainly have on many occasions. The more you add clarifications, explanations, talk around the point, etc., the less effective your communications are going to be. Why, because it makes it hard for the listener to follow and understand you. Being Open and Honest    This is a big factor in my opinion because I believe it has a direct relationship with trust and respect. If you attempt to hide things or not tell the truth about things that have a direct impact on others, you are simply playing with the trust and respect they may have for you. It is most likely that you will be found out and quite simply all the trust and respect you may have had will likely no longer be there. Delaying, ignoring or putting off discussing things of importance also may have a negative impact on trust and respect. There are certainly cases where external factors play a part and things can't be discussed fully. However, it if it is simply a case where you don't want to deal with something in a timely manner, you may not lose the other person's trust and respect altogether but you certainly won't gain any ground either. What in effect you are communicating to the other person is that their needs, wants and desires aren't important to you. Trust and Respect  Trust: A firm belief or confidence in the honesty, integrity, reliability, justice, etc. of another person. Respect: A feeling of high regard, honour or esteem. Trust and respect are two very important characteristics in any relationship. In the beginning, people can have a certain sense of trust and respect for another, just based on good faith. However, for the most part, trust and respect have to be earned and this can be a long process. The factors that seem to effect trust and respect directly are; how, what, where and why, one acts and communicates. Certainly ones' actions determine the level of trust and respect much more than what one says. The old saying of "talk is cheap, actions say everything", seems to hold very true. So what part does effective communications play in the earning of trust and respect? It can set the stage, be the building blocks or basis of trust and respect. It can provide the clues on how one earns another's trust and respect. It can clarify actions and or inactions, and thus provide an explanation for something that may otherwise be interpreted in a wrong manner. We all have our own sense or expectations of what honesty, integrity, reliability, and justice mean to us. This can differ dramatically from one individual to another. We cannot rely on our own perceptions or expectations to determine what another believes. The only way to find out is through effective communications. Ineffective communications can also destroy or damage ones trust and respect. Once this is done, it can be very difficult to recover from it no matter what you say or do. Privacy versus Secrecy   Everyone to one degree or another values their privacy. However, it is a fine line between privacy and secrecy. So when does privacy move into the realm of secrecy? In my opinion, secrecy occurs when something that directly impacts a relationship or another is not being communicated. One may wish to seek the opinion or have input from another in private and there is nothing wrong with that. However, to withhold important information or not discuss areas of concern with the effected party is just plain secrecy. If you have effective communications within the relationship, you should know what needs to be communicated and what doesn't, what the areas of concern and importance are to the other person. Here again, don't rely on your own sense of privacy and secrecy, because it really doesn't matter what is applicable to you, it only matters what the other person believes. Objectivity It is often very difficult to be objective in our communications. What I mean by objectivity is the ability to see things in the true light or from all perspectives. There are a lot of factors that can cloud objectivity such as our emotions, our perceptions, our patience, our personal bias or paradigms, our ability to listen and hear, etc. The more we can see and recognize things from all others perspective, the more objective and the better our communications will be. Conversely, the better we communicate, the more objective we will be. Emotions   When we act or communicate, solely based our emotions this can be deadly to effective communications. Our emotions can block all sense of objectivity, reality, logic, etc. Things can be communicated that we really don't mean or at least to the degree and emphasis that we have placed on them at the time. To recover from something said in anger, frustration, etc. can be very difficult if not impossible to recover from. However, if the other person realizes that you are in a highly charged and emotional state, there is a good chance that they will take that into consideration. On the other hand, one has to recognize that many people will react based on their own emotions. If you are dealing with someone that is communicating in a highly emotional fashion, remember that things are going to be distorted. However, you are making a mistake if you just write off what they are saying. There is a reason that they are reacting that way which you may or may not be able to determine until they calm down. Also don't assume that you know the why's, solely based on their ramblings. What an emotional person may say, might not have any apparent logical connection to the real problem. Also, remember that the highly charged person may not know what the problem is. They are just in reaction mode. If we treat or just see the symptoms, we may never recognize the problem and therefore any efforts we put into it are basically a waste of time. Only through effective communications can we determine the core or root of the problem. Assumptions and Perceptions  The old saying that when you make an assumption you can make an ass out of you and me (ass-u-me) is very true. The same can hold true of perceptions. An unverified perception is just as dangerous as an assumption. It such cases there is very little difference between an assumption and a perception. Neither are bad by themselves, it is when we act on them that disaster can strike. Acting or reacting without full knowledge of the object or situation, the motivations, intentions, beliefs, needs, feelings, etc of another is just inviting trouble. If it is something relatively unimportant to the other individual, there isn't likely going to be much of a big deal. However if it is related to something fairly important, it can be a huge deal. Much as we may not agree with the perceptions of another, remember they are real to the person and therefore should be taken into consideration before we act. How do we know what the person's perceptions are? Effective communications is the only way to find out. Making/Taking Things Personally One of the most efficient ways to kill effective communications and create a hostile environment is to attack a person's credibility, reputation, personal character, etc. In other words, don't flame anyone. On the other hand, don't take something personal that wasn't intended to be a personal attack on you. Sometimes, it can be difficult to tell or know whether a comment was meant to be a personal slam or not, but unless it is obviously clear don't over react. In communicating, try to avoid phrasing things in such a manner that it creates doubt in the other party's mind. If you are going to make a statement, phrase it with "in my opinion" or "I heard" or "I was led to believe", don't attack the other person by saying something like "your full of shit" or "your wrong". Who knows they maybe right and you may be wrong. Another way to successfully avoid making things personal is to phrase things as a question. May I ask your reasoning behind that, what is your opinion on….., have you read or seen such and such, what do you think of……, etc. Granted some people may take offense at a particular line of questioning and if they do you need to take a different approach. Using questions, in my opinion, is an effective method of communicating between a Dominant and a submissive. This method will convey your thoughts, but not attack the authority and decision making power of the Dominant. You are simply asking for an opinion, direction or a decision. Patience and Tolerance   Patience and tolerance of another's needs, wants, desires, beliefs, opinions etc. is another key to effective communications. You may not agree with another person's beliefs or opinions, but recognize that they are very valid for that individual and that particular point in time. Creating and adversarial environment accomplishes nothing positive but can be very damaging and cause a lot of hurt and mental anguish. That's where the patience part comes in. Take the time to get to know the other person, their needs, wants, desires and reasons behind their opinions and beliefs. If you do that, who knows you may learn something that you haven't considered before. The end result could be a change in beliefs and opinions in either one of you or both. Often the answer is somewhere in the middle. Having patience and tolerance also means, don't make a big deal out of something that is or should be trivial or minor on the life scale. Know when to take a stand and when it would be wise to just back off. If you make a big deal about the small things, they may take on a higher sense of importance then they should and those things that are really important may never be addressed. Forgive and Forget   We can often get upset over something relatively minor or unimportant. It takes a lot of energy to hold a grudge and to be angry or upset. That energy could be channeled to something positive rather than something negative, which basically accomplishes nothing. If you made a mistake admit it, if the other person says they made a mistake and apologizes, accept that and move on. Too often something that should be relatively minor gets blow out of proportion and what should be a small glitch in a relationship turns into a major deal. Revenge can be sweet but is the short term gain worth the long term loss? Understandably some things will not be able to be worked out. You have a choice though, minimum or maximum damage. How you handle the matter will determine the outcome. The Art of Negotiating    There is truly an art to effective negotiations. The concept is to provide a win-win result where everyone benefits. If you go into negotiations with the mindset that you are going to get everything you want, you are likely not going to get anything. The key here is compromise, it is a give and take scenario. Make a list of what you feel strongly, so-so, and don't really care about. In theory, you now know what you won't compromise on, what you are willing to compromise a little on and what you are willing to let the other person have their way about. However, remain open minded, one never knows when the other party may bring up a point or some reason that will make you rethink and modify your list. Everyone likes to feel that they have got their way or can take ownership of something. The idea is to come to a solution that is acceptable to all. You may not be overly thrilled about it, but you can live with it. Much of what is called negotiations in the BDSM world are not really negotiations at all. What it really consists of is an open and honest discussion or communication, by two equals, of needs, wants, limits, expectations, etc. It is the defining of the parameters of the relationship and finding out if an agreement can be worked out. Certainly there maybe some compromise, but the higher the level of Dominance/submission one seeks the less room there is for negotiation and compromise. This doesn't mean that if you are seeking a Master/sub/slave relationship that you don't communicate your needs, wants, limits, expectations, etc. It is extremely important that both parties be totally aware of those things in order to make an informed decision on the potential relationship. Surprises are not a good thing and can be very mentally and emotionally damaging. Conclusion None of us is perfect; we are all going to make mistakes in our communications. Hopefully though if we understand what makes up effective communications we can keep these to a minimum. How we handle ourselves will determine how others perceive us. We all have an opportunity to learn and improve our performance, what we make of it will depend on the effort we put into it and sometimes our willingness to change. Just remember we are all individuals with different needs, wants, opinions, beliefs, perspectives, triggers, motivators, personalities, etc. What works for one, may not work with another and in fact, may have the totally opposite reaction.

HIGH TURNOVER RATE

I was recently asked why I felt there was such a high turnover rate between Dom's and sub's/slaves. In My not so humble opinion I feel there are a couple of reasons.  The first one is that the Dom and the sub/slave outgrow one another.  The Dom and sub both reach the highest point in the relationship that they can and they decide to move on.  Personally, I believe that after putting that much time and effort in training and shaping My sub(s)/slave(s) I want to keep them after I get them shaped into the best servant for Me that I can.  The other reason is the nature of the beast.  "Vanilla" couples will date three to five years, for example, and then after they believe they know each other, get married.  The odds of their marriage ending in divorce is 50/50.  In BDSM, the people may know each other for a month or so and then have a collaring ceremony... do you really know each other.  I don't think so.  That being said however, I have known people that have been together for years.  Don't get discouraged.  Anything worth having is worth working for and that is especially true in BDSM - it takes work on the part of everyone involved.  If you are not willing to put effort into your relationship don't get involved with ANYONE - vanilla or BDSM.  Also, sometime people work well together for awhile but as both Dom and sub/slave relationships grow and develop, after a period of time people decide they have done as much as they can for each other and it is time to move on.

DRINKING DRUGS AND BDSM

I love a drink as much as the next person but PLEASE be careful if you have been drinking and you are participating in any BDSM activities.  A Dom must be in control of all of their faculties when doing anything to their /s.  Remember that alcohol is a blood thinner and also lowers your inhibitions and dulls your brain.  If your /s bruises easily they will bruise that much more easily if they have alcohol in their system.  Also, it will effect their brain and their body will be more numb... therefore, it is possible that they could become injured before they realize it.  If you are under the influence of drugs DO NOT participate in ANY BDSM activities.  Know your tolerance level for alcohol.  It's is probably fine to unwind and relax with a drink or two - just PLEASE be careful.

TURNOVER

No I am not talking about apple turnovers.  I was recently asked why I felt there was such a high turnover rate in D/s relationships.  "Vanilla" couples will date for three to five years before getting married - after getting to know each other for that long the couple thinks they know one another but chances are 50/50 that the marriage will end in divorce.  With all the clueless Dom's and the desperate sub(s)/slave(s) out there, they will know each other for a month before collaring.  It is almost impossible to get to know someone in a month so there is a good chance that you are not as compatible as you at first might think.  In a month there is still an infatuation that tends to cloud clear thinking and people jump into a relationship that may or may not be healthy for all involved.  I am not saying that the sub or slave is wrong for being desperate.  They have a NEED to be controlled and if they find someone willing to help them by taking control of their life, they jump at the opportunity.  This is just human nature.  I recently had someone e-mail Me on a BDSM site.  We sent less then a dozen e-mails back and forth between the two of us before she asked "So, do you want me."  My response was that I was certainly interested but I don't even know you yet.  Her response, "I understand."   I have not heard from her since even though I sent her a couple of other e-mails that I know she read.  Again, I am not trying to scare anyone off from the life - between the right people it can be wonderful, just know who you are getting involved with.  A lot of so called Dom's are just abusers and for a few weeks anybody can keep up a facade.

CAVEAT

To help prove My point on safe, sane and consensual... on Nancy Grace yesterday there was an episode about a guy who called himself "Master" and would connect with subs/slaves on the internet.  The episode was not trying to cast a dim light on BDSM per se but the /s He met online that he connect with were all killed... one of them was a divorced mother with a mentally retarded 15y.o. daughter... after he killed both of them he continued to receive the $5000/ month alimony check and the child's SSI checks and had a woman cash them.  BE CAREFUL and be safe when you are first meeting people.  The FBI in Quantico VA was instrumental in helping solve the case.  The police found something like ten large plastic barrels in storage units with bodies in various levels of decay.  I assure you the vast majority of Dom's are NOT like that but... use and keep your head when meeting people - and don't just rush into something that you MAY or MAY NOT LIVE to regret later.  My intent is NOT to scare you off but to keep you safe.  As I have said before their are a lot of WONDERFUL people in the life and things like this turn My as well as their stomachs... and I have a pretty strong stomach.

EDGE PLAY

Edge play is anything that, if done improperly, could cause major harm or death to a sub/slave or even the Dom.  It is critical, that, before you venture into any edge play, that you get proper hands on training from a trusted and trustworthy, experienced mentor.  Edge play includes activities such activities as asphyxia, fire play & electric play.  It can be as simple as simple rope bondage, as a slip not around an ankle or wrist, if not monitored carefully COULD result in the need to amputate a hand or foot if the sub/slave while squirming could cause the knot to tighten to the point of cutting off circulation to the appendage.  Like anything else in the world of BDSM - be careful.  A sub or slave certainly is not as valuable to a Dom if they are missing a hand or foot, are permanently scarred unintentionally or worse yet DEAD.

JOURNALS

I believe that it is essential to allow a sub/slave to journal with no ramifications for anything posted therein.  It allows the sub/slave a place to vent, voice concerns, etc. without fear.  It is an excellent outlet for them to let go of anything bothering them in an appropriate way without bringing or showing disrespect to their Dom.  It is also a good way for them to organize their thoughts.  This is an excellent way for a Dom to know what their sub(s)/slave(s) are thinking which makes it easier to mold them into the best sub/slave they can be.  It is necessary to get inside the sub/slaves mind in order to help mold and shape them.  BDSM is more control then sex and to help all parties involved the Dom must know what their sub(s)/slave(s) are thinking.

SAMPLE BASIC CONTRACT

This is just one example of a contract... please feel free to take anything from this that is appropriate to your situation.  There are also a number of other samples on the web.  I strongly recommend that you do some research and take from other samples that you find appropriate for your situation.  This is by far and away not the only idea for a contract... only a suggestion, as no two relationships are the same - every dynamic is different- therefore chances are no two contracts will be identical.  Let Me re-post this caveat, while I am NOT a lawyer, I can pretty much assure you that a BDSM contract will NEVER be upheld in a court of law, especially between a Dom and a slave so the trust in all parties involved in the contract is critical.  In order to know, trust and respect each other takes time and is absolutely essential - obviously I can not emphasize this enough.  When drafting a contract think of it as if you were hiring an Independent Contractor.  It should lay out the needs, wants, desires and benefits of all parties involved.  There should also be escape clauses.  Do to the dynamics of BDSM there is always a chance the parties might very well outgrow one another.  An example might be that one of the parties decide that they desire to try something and find out that they really enjoy it and the other party refuses to even try it or decide that, after trying it, it is NOT for them.  If there is a short time left in the contract the parties might decided to stick it out for the duration or you might just decide to go your separate ways.  Another way of dealing with this situation is to find someone else to scene with for that particular aspect.  An example might be fire play (My /sub wife and I are starting to experiment with that (after W/we received PROPER training from an experienced Domme who has dealt with fire play for quite some time).  If the sub/slave decides that they wish to experience fire play and the Dom has NO interest in it and does not believe that the Dom can keep their sub/slave safe through this particular activity they may refuse to let them scene with anyone.  If that is the case you might be better off going your separate ways.  If on the other hand, the Dom decides that they would like to try it, and the sub/slave refuses there are a couple of options.  You could find someone to scene with periodically that the Dom could use fire play on - keeping the status quo with the existing relationship or decide to go your separate ways.  Of course there is always the possibility of neither party ever experimenting with fire play in that case as well.  However, is that fair to everyone involved?  This is just something to consider.

SAMPLE CONTRACT

This contract dated (day)  of (month), 20(yr) is the complete and entire agreement between the signatories.   I _     (Dom)        ,  being of sound mind and body, hereinafter referred to as "Dom" and        (sub/slave)    , being of sound mind and body, hereinafter referred to as "sub"("slave").  The terms of this agreement will begin on (day) of (month), 20(yr) at (time) a.m./p.m. and will remain in effect for a period of (duration) month(s)(year(s) ending on (day) of (month), 20(yr) at (time) a.m./p.m. This contract shall also become null and void immediately upon request of the injured party following any material breach of the contract.  Should the injured party agree to continue with the contract following any material breach, the broken clause shall still remain in effect for the remaining terms of the contract.

DOM

1. Dom shall be responsible for keeping sub/slave safe at all times.
2. Dom will not allow or make sub/slave scene with any minors or animals at any time.
3. Dom will do everything within His power to train, educate, instruct, shape and mold sub into best sub/slave possible.
4. Dom will receive pleasure from the activities outlined in clause 3 above.
5. Dom shall pick out the entire wardrobe of sub/slave when they are going out in public, however, Dom may instruct sub/slave to pick out said wardrobe and punish sub/slave for selecting an inappropriate outfit after sub/slave has received proper training on appropriate outfits for public display.
6. Dom shall set up a financial account for sub/slave in order to allow sub/slave to have funds to start over shall Dom and sub/slave decide to go their separate ways for whatever reason.  Should the sub/slave materially breach this contract and Dom decides that this contract then becomes null and void these funds will not be made available to sub/slave.  This will consist of ten percent of any and all revenue that sub/slave generates while working outside the home.  Said account shall require two signatures to withdraw funds.
7. Dom will pay all bills from the pooled revenue of  Dom and sub/slave.
8. Dom shall read sub/slave's journal on a regular basis and agrees to not punish sub/slave for anything posted therein
9. Dom shall respect and honor the invocation of the safe word (______) by sub/slave.
10. Dom will stretch sub/slave's limits to help sub/slave grow in the life and position.
11. Dom will respect all hard limits of sub/slave as follows - no minors, no animals, no scat. (List whatever is appropriate.)
12. Dom shall look for female partner(s) for Dom and/or sub/slave to scene with.  This scene is to occur a minimum of once every three months during the duration of this contract.  If partner is to just scene with sub/slave, Dom will be present to watch.  Dom may have sexual contact (penile penetration) with both subs/slaves during these scenes. 
13. Dom agrees to work with sub/slave on any new interests that sub/slave discovers.
14. Whereas both parties will be working outside the home, Dom and sub/slave shall share in housework as enumerated by Dom.
15. Dom shall inform sub/slave the reason for any punishment.  Periodically during the punishment Dom will remind sub/slave the reason for the punishment although that can come from the sub/slave in the form of "Why are you being punished?" with an appropriate response from the sub/slave.
16. Whereas Dom believes that family is important Dom will not keep sub/slave from staying in touch with their family and will not unreasonably withhold trips for sub/slave to visit their family.
17. Should the Dom allow the sub/slave to scene with anyone the Dom shall be present during the entire scene in order to assure that the sub/slave is unharmed and not forced to do anything on sub/slaves hard limit list.

SUB/SLAVE 

1. Sub/slave agrees to maintain body by regular bathing and all other routine body care (e.g. brushing teeth, etc.).
2. Sub/slave shall maintain clean shaven genitalia, legs and arm pits at all times, unless instructed otherwise by Dom.
3. Sub/slave agrees to study BDSM on a daily basis, including but not limited to, searching the internet, reading books, attending BDSM munches and/or other BDSM activities..
4. Sub/slave shall journal daily including but not limited to - thoughts, concerns, what was learned and possible new interests to explore.
5. Sub/slave agrees to accept any permanent mark that Dom desires, anywhere on their body, indicating ownership by Dom.
6. Sub/slave shall bring and show honor and respect to Dom at all times.
7. Sub/slave agrees to never remove ownership collar at any time.
8. Sub/slave shall sit at the right foot of the Dom, whenever Dom is sitting, whenever and wherever feasible.
9. Sub/slave is not to wear any underwear unless necessary.
10. Sub/slave will sleep naked.
11. Sub/slave shall make themselves available for use by Dom in anyway Dom desires at anytime Dom desires whenever feasible, within the terms of this contract.
12. Sub/slave shall not have any sexual contact at any time without permission from Dom.
13. Sub/slave shall not orgasm without permission from Dom.
14. Sub/slave shall not invoke the safe word unless absolutely necessary.
15. Sub/slave agrees to look for and find female partner(s) for Dom and/or sub to scene with a minimum of every three months for the duration of this contract.  If found partner is to only scene with sub, Dom shall be present to watch.  Dom may have sexual intercourse (penile penetration) with both subs/slaves during these scenes.  While this is a goal, due to the nature of this, failure to accomplish is not cause for termination of this contract, but will result in punishment of sub/slave.
16. Sub/slave agrees to allow Dom to scene with others as long as there is no penile penetration.
17. Sub/slave agrees to service in anyway, within the terms of this contract, anybody Dom desires.  Dom will be present at all times during these activities to make sure that sub/slave is safe.
18. If Dom and sub/slave are present at an event and sub witnesses something they desire to experience Dom will not unreasonably withhold permission of sub/slave to participate.
19. Should Dom and sub/slave find a mutually agreeable partner(s) who fits into the family dynamics well, sub/slave agrees to accept said partner(s) into the family.  Dom, sub and potential new partner(s) will sit down together to draft a mutually acceptable contract between all parties involved.  The new contract may or may not replace this contract.  
20. Sub/slave shall count each stroke when being punished by flogging, caning, etc. and also must thank Dom following each stroke.

These terms are mutually agreed to by the affixing of the respective signatures below.

______(Dom)______  ___/__/___                     (sub/slave)                ___/___/____
 (Dom's signature)            (date)                   (sub/slave signature)                (date)

THE GAMUT

Know what you are looking for... are you more service oriented... looking for a servant or to be a servant or more of a sadomasochistic relationship?  Do you just want to wait on your Dom hand and foot and are devastated just knowing that you disappointed your Dom?  As a Dom do you want someone that if you give Your sub/slave a certain look you know they have learned their lesson?   Or do you want someone that would thrive on being chained, stark naked outside in the dirt and mud, eating out of a bowl - or are you willing to be subjected to that.  How about being chained in a dark room for days on end - not knowing what day of the week or month it is?  What about Your Dom (or anyone of their choosing) entering the room to beat you or take you sexually however and whenever They desire?  Yes - I know people in the life that cover the gamut described here.  There are subs/slaves that let Their Dom hang them from meat hooks in their skin.  KNOW what you desire and look for at least a reasonable match - or none of the parties will be happy.  This gets back to the safe, sane and consensual.  Are you willing to accept or do you want to give piercings, tattoos or branding?  How about castration or labia suturing?  Polyamorous, multiple partners or monogamous?  Make a list of things you love or at least think you would, things that you MIGHT consider - even if it scares you, and things that you would NEVER do BEFORE you start looking for a partner.  If you don't know these things I can pretty well guarantee that whoever you partner with will NOT work out and it will be a miserable relationship at best and leave you with a bad taste.  You need to arrive at a mutually acceptable list with any potential partner and this is where the contract enters in.  Most importantly KNOW who you are getting involved with.  I am NOT trying to scare you off, I just want you to be aware of what and who you are getting involved with.  I know a number of people on both sides that love the life and the people that truly are in the life and understand it are much more open and honest than people in the "vanilla" life.  There truly are some very awesome people in the world of BDSM - just do everything you can do to make sure you are compatible with any person/people that you get involved with.

ATTRIBUTES

Probably the most important attribute that anyone needs to have is a sense of humor - whether you are a Dom or a sub/slave.  Also, a Dom must have patience.  The worst thing to do in training Your sub/slave is lash out in anger.  There is a time and a place for punishment but if you respond in anger it can end up being abusive which tends to be counter productive to training.  The primary role of the Dom is to help make the sub/slave the best sub/slave they can be in service to their Dom.  This is done through teaching and training.   A sub/slave should trust and respect You - NOT fear you.  As far as sub/slave attributes, the second most important for them, after humor is a desire to please.  The primary role of a sub/slave is to bring pleasure to their Dom and that can be anything from not showing any disrespect in public to allowing them to flog you and take you sexually anytime They want anywhere They want, just for Their own pleasure - and everything in between.  That is another reason to take time to find the right partner(s).  This life runs the gamut for what people are looking for and finding someone you mesh with both in chemistry and wants/desires.

SAFE, SANE AND CONSENSUAL

It's hard to believe that I even need to include this but I know I better.

SAFE - If you are a sub/slave it is your responsibility to keep yourself safe during the "dating" process.  After you have decided that you can trust and respect your prospective Dom and you accept each other then it is the Dom's job to continue to keep you safe.  If you are participating in edge play (ANYTHING that if done wrong could place the sub/slave (or even the Dom) in the hospital, morgue OR even jail) make sure that you receive proper training from someone experienced in the activity.  Also, if you have ANY STD's - be upfront about it.  I believe it's illegal NOT to disclose that and it is certainly unethical.  My wife and I know a sub that has an STD that W/we have had scene's with - nothing sexual (although W/we have NOT ruled that out) but W/we've had fun each time.  Ultimately it is your responsibility to keep yourself safe... know who you are getting involved with.

SANE - Do not get involved with anyone who has a death wish or a murderer.  See the comments above about edge play.  Find someone with reasonably similar interest to yours is you are a service oriented sub/slave for example don't get involved with a sadist - you will both be miserable.


CONSENSUAL - All parties involved MUST consent... that includes non-participants.  If you are in public, use common sense so as not to embarrass observers - use common sense.  If you are at the mall it probably is inappropriate to have your sub/slave on a leash, for example.  On the other hand if you are at an art museum in the middle of the week with virtually no one in the building to have a quickie in a small side gallery might be just fine.

I have been contacted by a number of "subs/slaves" from foreign countries ready to jump on a plane and come running to Me.  I respectfully refuse - this is not safe, sane or consensual - first of all, chances are they are under duress and desperate so they are not thinking clearly and rationally.  As such they are not able to make rational decisions.  Secondly, as I do not know anything about them - I have NO clue whether things would work out.

If someone is not of sound mind, they may be willing to agree to a relationship - that is NOT the same as consensual and you have no business taking them on.

You can not possibly know if things are safe, sane and consensual until you get to know as much as possible about a potential partner and that takes time.  You must trust and respect any prospective partner and that takes time to develop.  Please do not rush into any relationship.  You are ultimately responsible for your physical and mental well being - if you make a rash decisions chances are it will come back and bite you.  BE VERY CAREFUL with who you connect with.  There are some wonderful Doms, subs and slaves out there but there are also devious, evil people as well - KNOW who you are getting together with - your life may literally depend on it.

Minors are unable to legally consent so they should be off limits.

FIRST MEETING

Take from this whatever is appropriate for your situation.  These are reasonable steps from connecting online.  If you meet someone at a munch (a gathering of people involved in BDSM - on a regular basis usually once a month - and often in a public venue,  a great way to meet people and learn about the life - usually - but like everything else these can be bad experiences - just a caveat) it's a bit different, but still use common sense to keep you safe.  BTW - this is an excellent way to meet others and a potential Dom/sub/slave.

HINT HINT HINT - IT NEVER HURTS TO ASK FOR REFERENCES!!!! - just a thought.

If you post a profile on a BDSM on-line dating site be real, honest and yourself but use discretion and do NOT put any direct personal contact information on your profile.  If you do have any STD's please be up front about that as well - to not disclose that I believe is illegal and it is certainly unethical - any perspective partner has the right to make an informed decision and that could certainly effect the decision - better to find out right away if that is a deal breaker rather than invest valuable time only to find out later that it is a relationship killer.  If someone contacts you from your profile check out their profile before responding to make sure that your interests are reasonably compatible.  If you see anything that stands out as a major discrepancy you are better off moving on.  If you wish, you can send them a pleasant e-mail stating that while you are grateful for the interest you just don't feel that you are compatible.  If the profile totally terrifies you - you are under NO obligation to respond.  Chances are if you are that incompatible they are probably just writing to everyone anyhow (that or looking to put notches on their belt).  A number of so called Dom's are just guys looking for easy sex and really has no interest in the life per se - I call them Dom Juanabee's from Don Juan.  If you think you might be compatible chat online via e-mails for awhile and then after awhile - when YOU feel comfortable take it to the next level - an online chat then if you still feel comfortable switch to phone calls.  After a number of phone calls if you still feel comfortable then you can agree to meet at a PUBLIC VENUE for coffee or lunch.  BTW - if at ANY time something doesn't feel/seem right  - go with your gut feeling and move on.  Before you meet - and I don't care if you are a Dom or a sub/slave - arrange a safe call.  Tell a friend or family member that you are meeting someone for the first time that you met online - NO you don't have to give out every little detail.  Just inform them where you are going to be and approximately how long you are going to be there.  If they don't hear from you by a certain time - have them call the police and let them know what is going on.  Just remember to make the call.  If the chemistry seems to be there My recommendation is to make another date... again at a public venue so that they don't know where you live until you are REALLY comfortable.  After you become comfortable with the other person you can agree to scene with them a few times and let the relationship go from there.  This life is based on trust and respect and that takes time to build.  Also, remember the safe, sane and consensual aspect - there are users and abusers out there and only you can keep yourself safe.  You can NEVER be 100% sure of anything but you can minimize your risk.

RED FLAGS

There are some red flags... depending on what you are looking for.  Again if a sub/slave is looking to meet their demise you might be able and willing to give them what they want but you probably won't be able to give them what they need.  If you don't understand the difference, you have NO business being with them.  This may be consensual but it is certainly NOT safe OR sane.  If someone, that you don't believe you can trust, says they just wants to get together with you to scene or have sex with you... run the other way.  Again, this is not safe or sane.  If you can trust them but don't see that you could have an ongoing relationship with them - it MIGHT be okay to "play" but make sure that all parties involved are aware of the situation.  Being open and honest is ALWAYS the best.  If the first contact you have with a "Dom" is an e-mail saying - "on your knees bitch and worship Me."  Delete it and DO NOT bother to respond.  They aren't worth wasting your time on.  There are plenty of unattached Doms as well as subs/slaves - look for someone with at least reasonably similar interests to yours.  If you are more service oriented and your potential partner is more pain oriented (or vice versa) you eventually will both be miserable - move on.  Also, if someone that you just met online insists on meeting you NOW or demands your phone number I strongly suggest you avoid ANY further contact.  I have met a number of wonderful people in time but I always chat with them for quite awhile on line before deciding to exchange phone numbers, talk a few times on the phone while continuing to chat online and then MAYBE decide to meet in person.  If they want you to pack up and move half way across the country (or if they are a sub asking for money so that they can relocate to you) within five minutes of contact RUN the other way.  Again neither of those options are reasonable and again certainly not safe or sane.  Yes, I have seen these situations occur both to Me and others.  If someone is ready to move in with you or have them move in with you within five minutes of your first communications - RUN.  Also, there are a number of foreign subs/slaves looking for a free trip to the United States - they may or may not be a sub/slave but there is also a very good chance that they are not.  NEVER SEND MONEY TO ANYBODY FOR ANY REASON!!!  If you decide that things might work out between the parties involved in the communications your best bet is to go get them if they need a way to get to you.  This life is based on trust and respect and that CANNOT in any way shape or form be decided in five minutes of online communications.  I don't know you from Adam (or in this case Eve) and how can I get to know you in just a few sentences online.  ANYBODY CAN BE ANYTHING online.  I insist on weeks to months of communications, especially if you are any substantial distance away... if you are within roughly an hour and things go well in the communications online AND PHONE then maybe three to four weeks... and then your first meeting must be in a public place - and if you don't have a safe call in place I would worry as well... (see My musing on "FIRST MEETING".  One other thing I tend to look for is that the person has a basic grasp of the English language and spelling.

If you do have an online profile on a BDSM site and someone contacts you from it - above all - look for clues that the person read your profile.  Any indications that they didn't take the time to read - please, STEER CLEAR of them.  If they can't take the time to read your profile - they probably are just contacting everyone - throw enough stuff against the wall and something will probably stick at some point... they are NOT what you need and probably not what you want either.  This could be anything, but especially if your interests don't mesh... that is usually the first thing I look for.

CONTRACTS

While some people don't believe in contracts in BDSM, I believe they are critical.  Each party to the contract then knows the expectations of the relationship.  In a court of law they are not worth the paper they are written on, as they would never hold up  - especially between a Dom and a slave, as slavery has been outlawed for some time now.  This is one place where trust and respect are critical, if you can't trust the person DO NOT agree to and/or sign the contract - that removes the safe, sane and consensual from the life in every way.  They should be for a specific period of time.  I believe that the first one should be for approximately one month.  That way if the parties to the contract find it just won't work out it's easy to get out of.  Also, anyone can fake it for a few days but a month is usually plenty of time for anything someone is trying to hide to expose itself.  However, that being said - it is NOT fair to anybody to fake who you are, especially in this life.  If you try to be something you are not you are hurting everyone and you will be miserable.  A contract should cover clothing (or lack thereof) expectations, financial arrangements, chores, hard limits, expectations - what each party is getting out of the relationship, other potential partners - will the sub/slave be loaned out to others to scene with and if so sexually, floggings or just what, whether the Dom will have, or be looking for others to scene with and again to what extent or is the relationship going to be strictly monogamous, whether the Dom is looking for additional sub's/slave's and if so what role will they have in the household.  If things go well with the first contract then another one can be drafted and tweaked prior to the termination of the first one.  The second contracts, I have seen run anywhere from three months to three years - I believe a year is a reasonably good time frame, but every relationship is different.  Usually the petitioner is the one who drafts the initial rough draft of the contract, laying out what they are looking for and want from the relationship - what they bring to the table and what they hope to get out of it as well as what the other person(s) will get out of the relationship.  Any material breach of the contract gives the harmed party the right to terminate the contract immediately - that does not mean they have to, just that they can.  Sometimes people make a mistake and go to far, but if you honestly believe that the relationship is working and that it was a mistake and feel that you can trust the person you MAY want to keep the contract intact.  However, that being said that does not remove that clause from the contract or make that clause null and void... if your partner breaches that clause again - GET OUT.  Also, if a Dom punishes their sub/slave for something that is NOT in the contract or refuses to tell their sub/slave what they are being punished for, I would get out... that crosses the line from punishment to abuse. 

PUNISHMENT/PLAY

Punishment is to be used for training.  If you are a sadist PLEASE find a pain slut to be your sub/slave.  A pain slut is a sub/slave who actually enjoys physical/emotional pain.  I have known subs/slaves that are disappointed or actually crushed if you give them a look of displeasure - they are very service oriented and devastated by a look and would be crushed and possibly emotionally destroyed by being flogged, whipped or even spanked.  Pain sluts on the other hand might see that as a reward and therefore a Dom would be better off giving them corner time or just ignore them for a period of time.  It is critical to know the mind set of your sub/slave to properly punish them.  If you are a sadistic Dom and have a pain slut for a sub/slave you can "beat" them for your pleasure and it will be a win-win situation.  I recently responded to a question from a Dom on a BDSM website that asked "if you tell a sub/slave that they are going to receive "X" number of lashings for something they did wrong and then stopped half way through - would that be wrong?"  My response was that if you know your sub/slave and you felt they had learned their lesson by that point AND YOU EXPLAINED THAT TO THEM that there would be nothing wrong with that and if you HONESTLY felt they had learned their lesson that it would be NO problem and in fact anything past that point could be consider abuse.

Also, as punishment the Dom must be creative.  If you take a child's favorite toy away from them every time they misbehave they will most likely find a new favorite toy.  This life can be a challenge on the part of both Dom's and sub's/slave's but I assure you it can be quite enjoyable if all parties are willing to work at it.  Anything worth having is worth working for.

THE GIFT OF SUBMISSION

The "Gift of Submission" is a misnomer.  Either you are a submissive (or slave) or you are not, therefore you are not giving that away.  You are giving you to another  The sub/slave/bottom is not giving the "Gift of Submission" - they are giving MUCH more... they are committing their life to their Dom.  That is the ultimate gift.  How can someone turn over virtually the entire control of their life to someone if they don't trust and respect them.  They are giving the gift of their own person.  That is something that a Dom MUST respect and appreciate.  The stronger the sub is, the more valuable the gift they are giving.  This is something worth working for and once received is worth working to keep.  The Dom, as well as the sub, MUST work at maintaining the respect of the their respective partner(s).  It requires continuous work on the part of everyone involved.

WHAT IS A DOM

 
Dom is short for Dominant.  A Dom (although on the surface it may not appear that way) should be caring and compassionate.  To be entrusted with control of another persons life they need to be in control of theirs.  The role of a Dom is to train the sub/slave to be the best that they can be.  The Dom is to stretch their sub/slave to the best of their limits.  Hard limits are just that hard limits... NOT to be breached.  A Dom must be trustworthy so they don't cross those hard lines and also if there is a safe word - they MUST respect it.  Ideally the Dom and perspective sub/slave should have very similar ideas as far as interests or the relationship probably will not work out.  As I have heard it put... when you are bound and gagged is NOT the time to realize there is a difference in expectations.  A Dom needs to be patient and not over react or punish their sub/slave when they are upset - it's too easy to cross the line from punishment to abuse if you are upset.

WHAT IS A SUB/SLAVE

Sub is short for submissive.  A sub or slave that is NOT your sub or slave deserves the same respect that you would show anyone else.  It takes a strong person to turn control of their life over to someone else and that takes trust.  Trust takes time to develop and therefore it is critical that you don't start ordering them around UNTIL they accept you as their Dom.  Obviously during a scene is one thing but when the scene is over so is your empowerment over the respective sub/slave.  A sub/slave deserves the ultimate of care.  Just like a car, if you don't change the oil, check the fluids, wash and wax it regularly it will brake down when you need it the most.  You wax, oil and polish your fine furniture.  If you have a hunting dog you need to work with it, care for it and spend time with it.  You need to do the same thing with a sub/slave - if you don't take care of it eventually it will break down.  You need to train your sub/slave as well and as such I believe that there needs to be a list of rules so that everyone is on the same page and knows the expectations.  Punishing a sub/slave for a broken rule that they didn't know existed is not punishment it is ABUSE.  A sub/slave must not only trust but also respect their Dom - both of which need to be earned... if Your sub/slave does not respect/trust you, you would both be better off going your separate ways.  A sub/slave should NEVER show disrespect for their Dom and if they can't trust you and don't respect you this is virtually impossible.  A sub/slave is a student that must be trained and molded and that takes time.  The difference between a sub and a slave has been an ongoing debate.  I am probably not going to be able to answer that here as there have been better Dominants than I fighting with this one but... basically the difference is the level of control they give up.  The stereotypical 1950's housewife in this day and age could be considered a sub.  A slave turns COMPLETE control of their life over to their Dominant.  This is to the point of what clothes they will (or won't) wear... could be complete nudity 24 hours a day 7 days a week.  When and WHERE they go to the bathroom.  What they will eat - OFTEN OUT OF A BOWL ON THE FLOOR.  Those are pretty much the extremes and I am not sure where the magic line is that divides them.  I believe that it is where the Dominant makes virtually all of the decisions for their respective submissive that they become a slave.  I also believe that a sub that has a death wish and advertises it accordingly needs services that a Dom can't (or shouldn't) provide.  To keep BDSM safe, sane and consensual all parties involved need to be safe, sane and consenting.  The role of the sub/slave is to cherish and show and bring honor to their Dom - therefore, again the sub/slave MUST trust and respect their Dom.

PROTOCOL

Every relationship is different just as in the "vanilla" world.  There are some basic guidelines that are (or should be) respected however.  Generally it is accepted that in writing Dom/Domme is capitalized and sub/slave is typed in lower case - basically as symbolism.  A sub/slave that is NOT your sub/slave should be treated with just as much respect as anybody else.  If they are not yours you have no right to touch them or order them around without explicit permission from their Dom (or themselves if they are unowned).  It is generally accepted that the petitioner draft the contract.

1. The Needs of the sub/slave comes first.
2. The Needs of the Dom.
3. The Wants of the Dom.
4. The Wants of the sub/slave. 

WHAT IS BDSM

BDSM is an acronym for Bondage/Discipline, Domination/Submission, Sadism/Masochism.  It can be as simple as tying your partner to the bed once in awhile and tormenting them with a feather to COMPLETE control of their life.  BDSM is SAFE, SANE AND CONSENSUAL... All parties involved must use judgement and common sense (although these days there is NOTHING common about common sense).  The last thing any self respecting Dom wants to do is send their sub/slave to the hospital or the morgue.  This is where the trust comes in - the sub/slave Must trust their Dom to keep them safe... if you don't know the Dom how can you trust them to have your best interests at heart.  I have heard that ten to fifteen percent of the population actively practices the life but almost any couple who have been in a relationship for any period of time has probably experimented with parts of the life... tying their partner to the bed (bondage), blindfolds (sensory deprivation), spanking (sadomasochism), etc.

 

 

WHAT BDSM IS NOT

 

It isn't an easy way for a so called Dom (I call them Dom Juanabe's after Don Juan) to get quick easy sex whenever they want it - although too many people are looking for exactly that.  If you are looking to put notches on your belt become a swinger.  In BDSM while sex is certainly part of it, it is more about the control aspect then the sex.

 

 

MUSINGS OF A DOM

I have been doing a lot of thinking about what BDSM is all about, ironically from chatting with some sub's that I know.  Quite a bit of this I have known for quite awhile and some of it I knew but never really thought about and some of it I realized (or I knew it but it just jelled) recently.  I used to use the terms Master and Dom interchangeably but recently decided to just go by Sir or Dom - I realized that I have a long ways to go to become a Master at any of this as it is an evolving life and the more I learn the more I realize I have to learn.  As such I will add to this periodically.