RESPECTIVE ROLES

There are a few roles involved in BDSM.  A Dom should, no, MUST leave their sub(s)/slave(s) better for the experience.  Each party in the relationship needs to anticipate the needs of their respective partners - almost before the person knows their own needs.  The Dom needs to help their sub(s)/slave(s) grow in their servitude.  The sub(s)/slave(s) must bring and show respect to their Dom at all times - especially while in public.  All parties should be proud to be seen in public with their respective partner(s).  Public humiliation must be done with discretion... even those where the parties involved in the relationship have agreed to certain behaviors and activities the people around you in public have not, and this gets back to consent.  Where you have agreed that certain behaviors are perfectly fine other people may be very uncomfortable witnessing that same behavior and therefore have NOT consented.  There are venues where certain behaviors might be perfectly acceptable but there are many more where it is not.  A Dom sliding His hand under a mini-skirt on a sub/slave who is not wearing panties might be perfectly fine in a bar... it is NOT in a shopping mall where there are young children around - please use discretion when in public.

FEAR VS RESPECT

Any sub or slave that is terrified and/or scared of their Dom is not in a BDSM relationship - they are in an abusive relationship.  If you do something wrong and know there are going to be retribution it is one thing but if you are constantly walking on egg shells out of fear of doing something wrong... GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP AS FAST AS YOU CAN.  You should do things for your Dom out of love, adoration and respect NOT out of shear terror.  A true Dom WILL earn your respect before even considering taking you on as a sub/slave.  If you are constantly being put down and being told you are worthless you are in an abusive relationship.  You should receive some sort of affirmation from your Dom, at least periodically such as "you please Me" or "you are doing well in your role as My sub/slave."  Yes I do realize that their are relationships where the slave is nothing more than a possession but again that MUST be a mutual decision (consensual) and even in those cases, the slave (yes at this point you are a slave as you have given up any and all autonomy) you MUST respect your Dom and do things out of a respect, not total terror.  Again, a true Dom will still take care of and care for Their possession if They desire Their relationship with Their slave to last.  If they don't, you should, NO - MUST, leave that relationship ASAP.  A BDSM relationship is NOT an abusive relationship.  Yes, a Dom MAY use and abuse Their sub/slave just because they want to but if you are constantly terrified of your Dom - they are NOT a Dom they are an abuser and there is NO room for an abusive relationship in BDSM or vanilla.  Trust your instincts.  If you are afraid to be alone, just remember, there are plenty of true Doms out there and it's better to be alive in order to look for a true Dom then end up maimed or dead and never find that right person.

INFATUATION/DESPERATION

I hate to use these terms but it seems that anything addressing BDSM needs to point this out.  Dom's as well as subs/slaves, especially newbies, when they first discover that other people actually participate in their same interests get caught up and want to jump into a relationship so as to experience their wants and desires.  This is human nature, and there is nothing wrong with it.  The problem is, it clouds the thought process, and causes people do things they would NOT normally do.  People jump into a relationship with people that they either don't know or just barely know.  While this also happens in "vanilla" relationships it is critical to get to know your perspective partner in BDSM.  A Dom, especially an inexperienced one, or worse one who isn't truly a Dom or doesn't yet understand what it means to be a Dom, can do real physical and/or emotional damage to a sub/slave.  As a sub/slave there are situations where your LIFE is literally being placed at the hands of someone else.  Are you willing to do that with a total stranger or someone that you just barely know.  I have met some wonderful people on the internet, both those in BDSM as well as "vanilla".  That being said, I also use caution.  I will take WEEKS of daily chatting, followed by phone chats (while continuing to chat on line) before agreeing to meet anybody.  Then I insist on meeting at some public venue for coffee, tea, lunch or whatever.  That way the potential sub/slave feels safe as I do not know where they live and with people around nothing is going to happen then and there.  Also, as I stated in early postings, I have and insist that the sub/slave also have a safe call.  A friend or family member that knows that I am meeting someone and I will call them to let them know that I am okay within a reasonable amount of time.  Again, they don't need to know that the meeting has anything to do with BDSM.  You can just state that you are meeting someone that you met on line and have been chatting quite awhile and decided to meet.  Is this safe?  How safe is leaving a bar, when you have been drinking, and going home with someone you just met that night?  All I am saying is try to use as clear a mind as possible when meeting a potential BDSM partner.  Remember - anybody can pose to be anything on the internet.

CHILDREN AND BDSM

The BDSM life is between consenting parties.  Children, by definition, are not able to consent.  This goes for both participation AND knowing or seeing what is going on.  When people involved in BDSM are together whether for a scene or a full relationship they consent to be together.  Do not involve people who have not (or are unable to) consent to the activities.  You know your children better than anyone else, or at least I would certainly hope you do.  Therefore, you know, or should anyhow, know how much information/exposure they can handle.  I have heard of a situation, and this is strictly here say, where a "Dom" took on a slave AND her thirteen year old daughter.  He supposedly impregnated both of them and they gave birth fairly closely together, this is not only WRONG, it is illegal.  There was also a case where a couple that were out in public.  The "Dom" started participating in hum (humiliation) play.  There was another couple who are also in the life, and they were made uncomfortable by the situation and they KNEW what was going on.  You can only imagine if people who knew what was going on and were uncomfortable with the situation were going through, what were the people around them thinking (and there MIGHT have been children around).  PLEASE use discretion in your activities.

POLYAMORY

Before entering into a poly relationship think long and hard about it.  Between two people, there is one dynamic, and that is often more than a couple can handle.  If you are in a relationship and bring just one more person into the "family" you have gone from one dynamic to four dynamics A-B, B-C, A-C and A-B-C.  Bring another person in and it just multiplies geometrically A-B, A-C, A-D, B-C, B-D, C-D, A-B-C, A-B-D, A-C-D, B-C-D & A-B-C-D.  Often it is hard enough for a couple to get along and each additional person in the relationship just exacerbates any problems in the relationship.  Also, it is critical that the sub's/slave's all get along with one another so as to alleviate any potential jealousy.  In fact, while trust and respect in BDSM between the Dom/sub or Dom/slave relationship in a poly relationship, it is My opinion that the relationship between the sub's/slave's is even more critical... so if you are an insecure Dom you would be better off NOT entering into a poly relationship.  Actually, if you are an insecure Dom, you would be better off NOT getting involved with ANY sub/slave... let alone entering into a poly relationship.

AFTERCARE

While I have never met any, that I know of, I have heard that there are Dom's that do not believe in aftercare.  In My not so humble opinion, I believe that it is critical.  Following any intense session, a sub/slave needs to be held while they are coming down from sub space.  The physical contact provided by a firm, yet comfortable embrace is very reassuring.  A sub may experience there entire bodies quivering from time to time as there muscles relax and the endorphins flowing through their body subside.  The comfort of being held helps them both physically and I believe psychologically as well.  It also helps them know that the Dom cares about their well being.  It has been proven that people NEED to be held from time to time, and following an intense "beating" is the ultimate time for that.

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATIONS: THE BASIS FOR A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP

We have, in our lives, many types of relationships. There are personal, private, public and work relationships. Many are vanilla, some are BDSM, and others are kink or fetish related. Be it your partner, family, friends, boss, co-worker, acquaintance, Dominant, submissive, slave, etc., the key to the success of any relationship is good communications. So what are the components of good communication? I think there are several. 1) Effective communication requires the interaction of two or more parties. 2) One must be willing to hear. 3) Good communications are clear, concise, open and honest. 4) One must be willing to be objective or be able to see things from the others perspective. 5) If you don't understand something, it is imperative that you seek immediate clarification. Two Way Communications   Effective communication is a two way street, a combination of being the communicator and the recipient of the communication. One could argue that in some cases there is no need to have two way communications. For example, between boss and employee, parent and child, Dominant and submissive, one could say one way communication is good enough. In all situations, unless there has to be some acknowledgement, be it verbal, written, body language or whatever, from the person on the receiving end that the communication was understood. If this component is missing, then the communication was not effective. The onus to ensure that there is effective communication is with both parties. Excuses like s/he didn't listen to me or I didn't understand what s/he was saying are not acceptable. They are simply attempts to absolve yourself of any responsibility for the poor communication. Listening and Hearing Listening just isn't good enough. For when one actually hears, there is a sense of understanding or comprehension of what is said. Too many times, someone will say that they are listening to you but you know they are not hearing you. This is easy to test, if you are in doubt have them repeat back to you what you have said, or even better, have them explain it to you in their own words. Being Clear and Concise   This means that you don't cloud the issue with irrelevant information. How many of you have been told, just get to the point. I certainly have on many occasions. The more you add clarifications, explanations, talk around the point, etc., the less effective your communications are going to be. Why, because it makes it hard for the listener to follow and understand you. Being Open and Honest    This is a big factor in my opinion because I believe it has a direct relationship with trust and respect. If you attempt to hide things or not tell the truth about things that have a direct impact on others, you are simply playing with the trust and respect they may have for you. It is most likely that you will be found out and quite simply all the trust and respect you may have had will likely no longer be there. Delaying, ignoring or putting off discussing things of importance also may have a negative impact on trust and respect. There are certainly cases where external factors play a part and things can't be discussed fully. However, it if it is simply a case where you don't want to deal with something in a timely manner, you may not lose the other person's trust and respect altogether but you certainly won't gain any ground either. What in effect you are communicating to the other person is that their needs, wants and desires aren't important to you. Trust and Respect  Trust: A firm belief or confidence in the honesty, integrity, reliability, justice, etc. of another person. Respect: A feeling of high regard, honour or esteem. Trust and respect are two very important characteristics in any relationship. In the beginning, people can have a certain sense of trust and respect for another, just based on good faith. However, for the most part, trust and respect have to be earned and this can be a long process. The factors that seem to effect trust and respect directly are; how, what, where and why, one acts and communicates. Certainly ones' actions determine the level of trust and respect much more than what one says. The old saying of "talk is cheap, actions say everything", seems to hold very true. So what part does effective communications play in the earning of trust and respect? It can set the stage, be the building blocks or basis of trust and respect. It can provide the clues on how one earns another's trust and respect. It can clarify actions and or inactions, and thus provide an explanation for something that may otherwise be interpreted in a wrong manner. We all have our own sense or expectations of what honesty, integrity, reliability, and justice mean to us. This can differ dramatically from one individual to another. We cannot rely on our own perceptions or expectations to determine what another believes. The only way to find out is through effective communications. Ineffective communications can also destroy or damage ones trust and respect. Once this is done, it can be very difficult to recover from it no matter what you say or do. Privacy versus Secrecy   Everyone to one degree or another values their privacy. However, it is a fine line between privacy and secrecy. So when does privacy move into the realm of secrecy? In my opinion, secrecy occurs when something that directly impacts a relationship or another is not being communicated. One may wish to seek the opinion or have input from another in private and there is nothing wrong with that. However, to withhold important information or not discuss areas of concern with the effected party is just plain secrecy. If you have effective communications within the relationship, you should know what needs to be communicated and what doesn't, what the areas of concern and importance are to the other person. Here again, don't rely on your own sense of privacy and secrecy, because it really doesn't matter what is applicable to you, it only matters what the other person believes. Objectivity It is often very difficult to be objective in our communications. What I mean by objectivity is the ability to see things in the true light or from all perspectives. There are a lot of factors that can cloud objectivity such as our emotions, our perceptions, our patience, our personal bias or paradigms, our ability to listen and hear, etc. The more we can see and recognize things from all others perspective, the more objective and the better our communications will be. Conversely, the better we communicate, the more objective we will be. Emotions   When we act or communicate, solely based our emotions this can be deadly to effective communications. Our emotions can block all sense of objectivity, reality, logic, etc. Things can be communicated that we really don't mean or at least to the degree and emphasis that we have placed on them at the time. To recover from something said in anger, frustration, etc. can be very difficult if not impossible to recover from. However, if the other person realizes that you are in a highly charged and emotional state, there is a good chance that they will take that into consideration. On the other hand, one has to recognize that many people will react based on their own emotions. If you are dealing with someone that is communicating in a highly emotional fashion, remember that things are going to be distorted. However, you are making a mistake if you just write off what they are saying. There is a reason that they are reacting that way which you may or may not be able to determine until they calm down. Also don't assume that you know the why's, solely based on their ramblings. What an emotional person may say, might not have any apparent logical connection to the real problem. Also, remember that the highly charged person may not know what the problem is. They are just in reaction mode. If we treat or just see the symptoms, we may never recognize the problem and therefore any efforts we put into it are basically a waste of time. Only through effective communications can we determine the core or root of the problem. Assumptions and Perceptions  The old saying that when you make an assumption you can make an ass out of you and me (ass-u-me) is very true. The same can hold true of perceptions. An unverified perception is just as dangerous as an assumption. It such cases there is very little difference between an assumption and a perception. Neither are bad by themselves, it is when we act on them that disaster can strike. Acting or reacting without full knowledge of the object or situation, the motivations, intentions, beliefs, needs, feelings, etc of another is just inviting trouble. If it is something relatively unimportant to the other individual, there isn't likely going to be much of a big deal. However if it is related to something fairly important, it can be a huge deal. Much as we may not agree with the perceptions of another, remember they are real to the person and therefore should be taken into consideration before we act. How do we know what the person's perceptions are? Effective communications is the only way to find out. Making/Taking Things Personally One of the most efficient ways to kill effective communications and create a hostile environment is to attack a person's credibility, reputation, personal character, etc. In other words, don't flame anyone. On the other hand, don't take something personal that wasn't intended to be a personal attack on you. Sometimes, it can be difficult to tell or know whether a comment was meant to be a personal slam or not, but unless it is obviously clear don't over react. In communicating, try to avoid phrasing things in such a manner that it creates doubt in the other party's mind. If you are going to make a statement, phrase it with "in my opinion" or "I heard" or "I was led to believe", don't attack the other person by saying something like "your full of shit" or "your wrong". Who knows they maybe right and you may be wrong. Another way to successfully avoid making things personal is to phrase things as a question. May I ask your reasoning behind that, what is your opinion on….., have you read or seen such and such, what do you think of……, etc. Granted some people may take offense at a particular line of questioning and if they do you need to take a different approach. Using questions, in my opinion, is an effective method of communicating between a Dominant and a submissive. This method will convey your thoughts, but not attack the authority and decision making power of the Dominant. You are simply asking for an opinion, direction or a decision. Patience and Tolerance   Patience and tolerance of another's needs, wants, desires, beliefs, opinions etc. is another key to effective communications. You may not agree with another person's beliefs or opinions, but recognize that they are very valid for that individual and that particular point in time. Creating and adversarial environment accomplishes nothing positive but can be very damaging and cause a lot of hurt and mental anguish. That's where the patience part comes in. Take the time to get to know the other person, their needs, wants, desires and reasons behind their opinions and beliefs. If you do that, who knows you may learn something that you haven't considered before. The end result could be a change in beliefs and opinions in either one of you or both. Often the answer is somewhere in the middle. Having patience and tolerance also means, don't make a big deal out of something that is or should be trivial or minor on the life scale. Know when to take a stand and when it would be wise to just back off. If you make a big deal about the small things, they may take on a higher sense of importance then they should and those things that are really important may never be addressed. Forgive and Forget   We can often get upset over something relatively minor or unimportant. It takes a lot of energy to hold a grudge and to be angry or upset. That energy could be channeled to something positive rather than something negative, which basically accomplishes nothing. If you made a mistake admit it, if the other person says they made a mistake and apologizes, accept that and move on. Too often something that should be relatively minor gets blow out of proportion and what should be a small glitch in a relationship turns into a major deal. Revenge can be sweet but is the short term gain worth the long term loss? Understandably some things will not be able to be worked out. You have a choice though, minimum or maximum damage. How you handle the matter will determine the outcome. The Art of Negotiating    There is truly an art to effective negotiations. The concept is to provide a win-win result where everyone benefits. If you go into negotiations with the mindset that you are going to get everything you want, you are likely not going to get anything. The key here is compromise, it is a give and take scenario. Make a list of what you feel strongly, so-so, and don't really care about. In theory, you now know what you won't compromise on, what you are willing to compromise a little on and what you are willing to let the other person have their way about. However, remain open minded, one never knows when the other party may bring up a point or some reason that will make you rethink and modify your list. Everyone likes to feel that they have got their way or can take ownership of something. The idea is to come to a solution that is acceptable to all. You may not be overly thrilled about it, but you can live with it. Much of what is called negotiations in the BDSM world are not really negotiations at all. What it really consists of is an open and honest discussion or communication, by two equals, of needs, wants, limits, expectations, etc. It is the defining of the parameters of the relationship and finding out if an agreement can be worked out. Certainly there maybe some compromise, but the higher the level of Dominance/submission one seeks the less room there is for negotiation and compromise. This doesn't mean that if you are seeking a Master/sub/slave relationship that you don't communicate your needs, wants, limits, expectations, etc. It is extremely important that both parties be totally aware of those things in order to make an informed decision on the potential relationship. Surprises are not a good thing and can be very mentally and emotionally damaging. Conclusion None of us is perfect; we are all going to make mistakes in our communications. Hopefully though if we understand what makes up effective communications we can keep these to a minimum. How we handle ourselves will determine how others perceive us. We all have an opportunity to learn and improve our performance, what we make of it will depend on the effort we put into it and sometimes our willingness to change. Just remember we are all individuals with different needs, wants, opinions, beliefs, perspectives, triggers, motivators, personalities, etc. What works for one, may not work with another and in fact, may have the totally opposite reaction.